29 Jan 2021

Deadly sins – envy

There are times in my life when I have to confess to at least one of the deadly sins.

Today it’s envy.

I’m really really envious of people (primarily my husband) who can fall asleep. I fall into the category of ‘women of a certain age’, for whom falling asleep, and often staying asleep, is a major issue. My husband, by comparison, can fall asleep mid conversation, definitely during a tv show, occasionally during films or concerts, at any time of the day or night, with no consequences to his ability to fall asleep at bed time.

You could wake him up at 1am, and by 1.01 he’d be back asleep again. If I’m woken during the night, I spend at least an hour trying to get back to sleep again. I’ll lie as still as I can initially. Actually – I heard somewhere that sleep was the ultimate “fake it until you make it” example, that the only way to get to sleep was by pretending you are, until you actually are. I think about this often, at night, while I’m trying to get to sleep.

I will, after a while, give up lying very very still, and read for a little while. When I’m almost at the ‘dropping the book on your face you’re so tired’ stage, I will attempt sleep again. When this doesn’t work, I will lie still counting my breaths, and mentally singing lullabies to myself. After doing this for a while I will furtively check the clock to see how long I’ve been awake for, and then the whole process will start all over again.

If, in the very rare and extreme unlikelihood of me getting a Nananap during the day, it had better not be after 2pm because that will dramatically impact on my ability to get to sleep at night.

I know other ‘women of a certain age’ with similar sleep issues, so I’m assuming that when I get to be a ‘woman of a certain age +5’, the ability to sleep may return. Here’s hoping.

Anyway – I suffer from envy. It’s much worse if I’ve been awake between 1am and 2.30am, awake for good from 5.30am, and I sit in the evening watching my husband sleep his way through his favourite tv show. The envy expresses itself in a deadly sin manner, by wanting to smother his face with a pillow. I haven’t done this. Yet.

My other main points of envy are, most recently, bench envy. My son and daughter in law have recently renovated their house, and they have an amazing kitchen bench. It’s huge. It has drawers. It has seating options. It has overhanging lights. It’s lovely. I do know that if that kitchen bench could somehow fit into my house (it couldn’t), I would most likely fill up all that lovely space with STUFF, and ruin the whole thing. But I can dream.

I’m also envious of some peoples’ gardens. I have a small garden area, and I know what it takes to keep even a small area looking good. So, while essentially being a lazy gardener, I’m still envious of those beautiful lush gardens that some people have. I don’t want to do the work, but I can dream.

That’s it. I’m not envious of your athletic bodies, amazing intelligence, artistic talents or lovely singing voices. I just want to be able to walk in from my amazing garden, wipe down my huge and empty kitchen bench, and then fall straight asleep when I go to bed.

Do you have a deadly sin you’d like to confess? It’s ok – I won’t tell.