Getting old (HLD 208)

16 Oct 2020

There are apparently three signs of ageing. The first is forgetting stuff, but I can’t remember the other four.

If there’s one thing old people are good at, it’s having a laugh about ageing. Well – that and RSS. A lot of old people I know are really good at RSS, which stands for Repetitive Story Syndrome. You get to a certain age when you must feel that people you are speaking to are liable to forget stuff, so you repeat the story frequently. Just in case.

Today’s research into ageing basically found a whole bunch of jokes about the subject, so here are your Friday funnies…

Little Johnny visits Grandma for her birthday, and asks her how old she is. “39 and holding”, was the answer. Little Johnny asks “Ok, so how old would you be if you let go?”

Old is when: “Getting a little action” means you don’t have to take any fibre today; “Getting lucky” means you find a parking spot close to the shops; and an “All Nighter” means not getting up to pee.

By the way – RSS stands for Repetitive Story Syndrome.

Senility Prayer – God grant me the serenity to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Things that old people know:

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping tablet and a laxative on the same night.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Never lick a steak knife.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

Advantages of being over 50:

Kidnappers are not very interested in you; in a hostage situation you’re likely to get released first; no one expects you to run into a burning building; your eyes won’t get much worse; your secrets are safe with your friends because it’s likely they won’t remember them either; and people no longer view you as a hypochondriac. Oh – and the things you buy now are unlikely to wear out.

By the way – RSS stands for Repetitive Story Syndrome.

I’m going to leave you with a rendition of “My Favourite things”, reportedly performed by Julie Andrews around her 69th birthday.

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things..

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,

And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,

when the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I’ve had,

And then I don’t feel so bad.

Just remember – ageing is the only way available to live a long life.

Oh – and RSS stands for Repetitive Story Syndrome.

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