12 April 2021

My Mum told me this morning that she’d just had someone cut her toenails for her, and Mum had kept the person amused by commenting that her ballet career has been on hold waiting for them to get cut.

Mum’s 89, lives in a nursing home, and, to the best of my knowledge, has never been in danger of having a career in ballet.

It reminds me of the joke about the patient questioning their doctor about an upcoming operation – “Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”. The Doctor , answered “Of course”, because the operation was possibly on the patients toenails or something. The patient looked all excited, because “I’ve never been able to play the violin before!!”.

I’ve always joked that my sparkling sporting career was hindered only a distinct lack of talent. Likewise my musical career. Let’s not discuss what holds back my modelling career, because I like you and don’t want this opinion to change.

But what a fully stops us from having a career (or maybe just a hobby) in ballet, or playing the violin? I’ll grant you, doing ballet relies a fair bit on your physique, before we get anywhere near your ability to stand on your toes. Being a middle aged woman of the larger proportions, I don’t think I’d even attempt to begin lessons.

There’s a tv show that has commenced again about celebrities, or people who qualify in at least someone’s mind as a celebrity, learning ballroom dancing. If it wasn’t going to be shown on tv anywhere ever, and the trainer had a lot of patience and some steel capped shoes to protect his toes, I’m sure I could learn to do some ballroom dancing. As long as there was an ambulance on standby, of course.

So let’s agree that dancing of some sort, whether ballet or ballroom toe crushing, is something that we could possibly learn, given the right circumstances.

Playing the violin? I can bang out a melody comfortably on the piano – my right hand knows what to do, but when it comes to pianos, my left hand is just there for show. It has learned how to play some chords though, so it’s not totally useless. Over the years I have been in the close proximity to numerous musical instruments – starting of course at school with the recorder, then guitars belonging to my siblings, and then other relatives playing pianos, organs, flutes, clarinets, bassoons and more.

I could, with enough time, inclination, and well insulated walls so that the neighbours don’t complain too much, learn a musical instrument.

I don’t even need an operation to make it happen!!

Now where did I put that triangle? I’m sure I could play Beethoven’s 5th on that.