13 April 2021

I’ve seen two text messages relating to poo and farts in past week. Both were hilarious, and both were unable to be shared. Unless we meet up at the local coffee shop, in which case I will sing like a canary.

Let’s face it – generally speaking, farts are fun. Unless you are in a confined space with one that wasn’t yours, of course. Then they become more pooey than farty, and not as much fun.

We can all channel our inner pre-pubescent male (ok, let’s be honest here – a male of any age) in finding a fart funny. I have observed recently that children find farts funny from around 18 months or so, and it really becomes a form of self expression and comedy gold when they hit the 2 year old mark. The cheeky smile that accompanies a full bodied fart only really works for children under the age of three, it should be noted.

That fine line of knowing the difference between a fart and a poo is what separates an infant from a child. The ability to distinguish the difference (in normal circumstances) is the mark of being a grown up, or at the very least, toilet training. Abnormal circumstances include a very strong batch of curry or chilli, or a gastrointestinal virus. In these circumstances, all bets are off when it comes to knowing exactly what is about to happen.

As much as poo doesn’t get talked about, it’s a significant part of all our lives. We spend a good portion of our lives focussing on whether we are pooing often enough, or too frequently, or in the right consistency (thank you Bristol Stool Chart for the joy you bring to our lives), and how long it takes to achieve the required outcome on the throne.

Once again, I must declare my complete lack of knowledge and application this time, in the use of the word ‘coefficient’. I have no idea how it relates to farts and poos – I just thought it sounded funny. If mathematics or physics is your thing, and you’d like to put the meaning together for me, please feel free.

We all fart. The Queen and the Pope both fart, but possibly not in public like a lot of my relatives.

I spent a bit of time while my youngest grandson was lying on my lap farting away as if his life depended on it, googling the topic “Which animals fart?”.

Anyone who is ever owned a dog will know that dogs DEFINITELY fart. So do camels, goats, hedgehogs, elephants, lions, rats and seals. Snakes and wombats also fart, but birds don’t. And obviously unicorns fart too, because that’s where rainbows come from – everyone knows this, right?

There are people who spend their lives fixated on this topic, and there’s even a Twitter hashtag related to it – #doesitfart, and if you are interested, there are books written on the topic too.

One of my text messages that I’m not going to share, states that someone was “overconfident in their fart vs poo analysis” – says it all really.

May you be comfortably confident in your analysis on the subject today.

Oh, and by the way (thanks again, google) ……

Jokes about poo aren’t my favourite – but they’re a solid number two.