4 May 2021

I must make a confession to you. Yes, I know over the past 400 editions of this literary diarrhoea I have made quite a few confessions – largely to do with coffee, wine and online shopping, but todays one has to do with fakes.

If a young lady in a low cut top walks past me, displaying a large amount of cleavage that defies gravity, I will, more often than not, comment either to myself, the dog, or anyone standing too close – “Fake”.

I pass no judgment on those who have surgically enhanced their chesty department – but there is a big difference between enhancing what you were given, and going to unrealistic levels. It appears that often, when faced with the expense and time involved in undergoing the knife to increase their assets, these women decide to get bang for their buck, and go for as big as they can get.

And they like to show off what they’ve paid good money for, and between you and me, it’s pretty obvious by the form and anti-gravity resilience of those things, that they aren’t real.

In a similar way that I picture tattoo-laden old people in a nursing home in 40 years time, trying to remember what that Chinese symbol is meant to represent, I also imagine these little old ladies, stooped over their walking frames, unable to see their feet on account of their still-perky boobs obstructing their view.

Don’t get me wrong – fake stuff has its place in my life. My fish tank contains artificial plants that never need throwing out, for instance, and I have some beautiful artificial flowers that never drop petals or need to be buried.

But I do have a ranking system for artificial candles. If you’ve ever spent much time inside a church, you will be aware that a lot of churches have a big candle up the front that they light up each week. Spoiler alert – a lot of these are fake. Some have a drip less candle inserted inside the big fake outer candle. Some are oil-burning devices inside a fake outer candle. I’m always fascinated to find out how the candles operate. Just call me nosy. I don’t wander up in the middle of the sermon to check out the altar table, but I’d probably be found having a bit of a squiz after the service.

You can have battery operated candles at home, of course. They are on the much lower on the fakeness scale, but still serve their purpose.

And yes, it’s a bit of jump from the altar table in church, but – blow up sex dolls! I was at a cricket game many years back, where instead of the usual blow up beach ball that gets bounced around amongst the spectators, someone had bought in one of these blow up dolls to bounce around the crowd. It will live in my memory as one of the more entertaining cricket matches I’ve been to. I can’t imagine how parents with young children present explained all this. It may have been the last cricket game they ever attended.

As far as fakes go, the battery operated candle I have at home is the least realistic. My memory of the blow up doll at the cricket puts her in second last place, which puts the many high and proud artificial boobs next. All those artificial church candles are still the most realistic fakes in my ranking system.

Have you got any fakes that beat the ones I’ve mentioned?