29 March 2020

3.30am – wake up to find dog climbing over my face to check out my bedside table. There may be food there. To be fair, there is. It was a piece of dehydrated kangaroo I removed from my bed last night before going to sleep. Fair call, Chewie.

4.30am – doze off slightly before waking up again to find dog intent on sharing pillows on my single bed. Not such a fair call, Chewie.

5.30am – give up, go to the toilet.

6.00am – May as well have a cup of tea.

6.05am – Death glare from dog who is indignant at being woken up so early by the bright lights and the sounds of tea production.

6.06am – try to squeeze back into bed now occupied by very tired dog.

6.07am – newspaper and cuppa time.

6.09am – blog inspiration, make notes.

6.15am – back to newspaper and cuppa.

6.30am – Damn! Got distracted by newspaper and tea has gone a bit too cool. Drink it anyway because dog and I have found happy medium in bed sharing and it’s quite warm and comfy. I don’t hate the dog any more.

7.05am – Revenge time! One of the nicest parts of the day – dog walk!!!! Struggle to get harness and lead onto the semi comatose dog. Sweet sweet self justified smug satisfaction (and yes I do know that’s a bunch of oxymorons but don’t care too much) only lasts as long as the first interesting smell reaches the dogs newly awakened olfactory senses. Next 30 min spent trying to drag the dog from the smell of one dogs pee to another, in between her sending more than a few peemails of her own. And some chunky stuff we won’t talk about. (Today).

7.35am – stop at the coffee/book shop across the road to get some takeaway coffee. I’m just doing my part for the economy/helping small businesses stay afloat/local community support blah blah blah. Has nothing to do with my overwhelming need for coffee.

7.45am – drop a takeaway coffee onto the desk of Germ-Boy (Simon’s new super hero name) as dog and I head out to the back patio for the second best part of the day – sitting in the peaceful little oasis, drinking coffee, reading nonsense on the iPad, and listening to the pleasant sounds of birds.

7.46am – Germ boy arrives to take up his location on opposite side of patio. Smug sense of achievement evaporates as I have to listen to the sound of Germ boy’s attempts at humour. Shudder with the knowledge that on Sundays I will also have to listen to the dreadful sounds of him singing along to the streamed local church services. He is counting down the days until his self-isolation finishes. I’m counting up, because I’m truly a glass half full sort of girl.

7.47am Josh is also awake and joins the socially distant crowd (or the new definition of a crowd, anyway) in courtyard. It appears I neglected to buy him a drink at the coffee shop. Life would be simpler if that kid drank coffee. At least there is someone else for Simon to tell his ‘jokes’ to. I pretend to work on blog – I’m very busy!

8.06am – Simon is now showing us interesting things he found on his iPad. He is holding his iPad up from the other side of the courtyard. Fascinating stuff. Back to the blog. Coffee is finished. Damn.

8.17am – Creating a fake news page that says people in self isolation should not talk.

8.20am – Screen shot the news page I just found and send it to Simon. He dismisses it as fake news. Damn.

8.21am – Simon is Googling model kits to buy, for when we have finished being entertained by his sparkling wit. Announces he found a good one by Horny. Josh tells him the company is called Hornby.

8.30am – I disappear into the kitchen to lovingly make breakfast for the family. It has nothing to do with escaping the humour and other delightful communication that is happening out on the patio.

8.31am – Josh appears to have escaped inside too. Don’t think Simon has noticed. The dog is sending desperate semaphore messages for assistance. Josh and I look the other way.

9.00am – I come up with things to do that I can only do on my own. I have offered to do some sewing jobs for my sister-in-law, which involves me unearthing the sewing machine from the spare room that has now become my bedroom, store room, and hiding place for uneaten dog snacks. This involves as much time as I can possibly take, moving furniture, moving boxes from one spot in the room to the other, moving them back again, hiding dog snacks in a place that won’t be near my face at 3am tomorrow morning, etc.

11am – Play a video/music game with Josh and Simon. Good idea, but Simon still insists on singing along. Game finishes early.

11.30am – Start thinking about lunch. Involves me hiding in another room where I can’t hear people who may or may not mumble something at me.

12pm – Start the preparation of lunch. Drag this out for as long as is humanly possible. Involves moving most of the stuff in the pantry around. Possibly I’ll have to factor in a complete pantry overhaul tomorrow. Unless something better comes up.

12.30pm – Throw food into the cage.

1-3.30pm – Mixture of reading things on iPad or kindle, lying on couch, patting dog, nana napping, listening to more of Simon’s special brand of humour, waiting patiently for….

3.45pm – preparation for dog walk.

4-5.30 – Chewie’s very favourite time of the day, the dog walk down to the off-lead area near the river. There are a bunch of her friends (4 legged) who congregate at the same time. The humans have got the hang of standing 2m apart, but the dogs have realised you can’t smell butts at that distance, so they ignore that rule. Chewie’s very favourite human is a gentleman by the name of Bill (in his 80’s) who rides his bike down every day and feeds treats to the dogs. He never brings wine for the humans, so we ignore him.

5.30-6pm – Panic slightly as I remember that I have to feed everyone an evening meal. You’d think I would have remembered this, as I’ve been doing this daily for the last 36 years.

6-9.00pm – Depending on who has control of the remote the evening could go in two ways. If Josh or I have the remote, there will be a selection of Escaping to the Country, Renovations to sell your house shows, or some Survivor or wannabe celebrities proving they can dance show. If Germ boy has taken up residence in the rocking chair on the other side of the room and has control of the remote, obviously no one else can get it back from him until it has been disinfected. If this is the case there will be 5-10 second flashes of news, more news, different news, or recap of the news. Obviously this is not normal transmission – normally it’s the news followed by 5-10 second flashes of every sports channel available. Covid has a lot to answer for.

9.00pm – The evening draining-of-the-dog happens. This is also an excuse to smell everything that has happened since the morning draining walk. I can’t smell much, but I don’t get as close to the pee spots as Chewie does.

9.30pm – Quick check of the bedside table to make sure no kangaroo pieces are hidden. Fingers crossed she manages to sleep beyond 3.30am tomorrow!